After graduation ceremonies closed out, Baxter the Bearcat snatched the opportunity to throw his first “Open Crib BYOB” rager on the now vacant campus.
The group text Baxter sent to multiple guests read:
“Yooooooo Harvey’s gone lol so are the other dumb asses on this campus lmao. I got an OC come thruuuuu.”
According to BUTT investigators, Baxter invited a multitude of notable characters, including Cornell’s mascot Big Red, SUNY Cortland’s Red Dragon Blaze, long-term friend Stinger the Hornet from SUNY Broome, Flo the Progressive Girl, Paul Blart: Mall Cop star Kevin James, and over 300 more guests.
Anonymous sources stated that at around 1:00 A.M., Flo was seen sneaking into a closet with Stinger The Hornet, resulting in a fist-fight between Stinger and the guy featured alongside her in the Progressive commercials.
Jazzman’s was then trashed by party-goers, and Big Red smashed through a window in the Union.
In a shocking turn of events, sources Harpur’s Ferry was called after an overly intoxicated freshman from SUNY Broome became unconscious.
When UPD arrived at the scene, they discovered Baxter snorting cocaine in Lecture Hall 1 with Kevin James and SUNY Albany’s canine mascot, Damien the Great Dane.
After a thorough search, Baxter was arrested and Harvey Stenger was immediately notified about the events of the wild rager.
“Baxter’s been out of control this year,” Stenger admitted to The BUTT. “I’m at a loss as to what I should do. I’m thinking about shipping him off to military school — at this point, I really have no choice.”
According to police officers, Baxter has been released on bail due to the university apparently being the only reason why Binghamton’s economy stays afloat.
Baxter‘s closing statements regarding the events of the evening:
“I wish I could say I learned my lesson, but to be real — it was the best night of my goddamn life.”
The BUTT 