Breaking / National

President Trump Adopts Pet Shark Named Tiffany to Soften White House Image

By Constantine Markotsis

Mar a Lago In an attempt to improve the president’s poll ratings, the beleaguered Trump administration has decided that a white house pet could help to distract the public from the guffaws and errors of the administration.

It is typical for a first family to have a dog; but Mr. Trump has decided to cast this tradition aside when he adopted a 17 foot great white shark instead. Trump hopes that the shark will express the administrations “goodwill and love for the subject peoples of America”. President Trump has chosen to name his shark Tiffany, and at press time said “I never had the opportunity to have a daughter named Tiffany, I’m bigly happy that I have a chance now.” Tiffany Trump refused to comment on the apparent long term memory loss of the commander in chief.

Tiffany the shark will be placed in a heated moat that is being constructed around the white house press conference room. A thin, rickety old wooden bridge on loan from the Oppressive Transylvanian Count’s Museum in Bucharest, Romania will become the new thoroughfare over the moat for journalists to the white house. The moat will be include gold trim edges, marble, and as many conflict minerals as possible. The White House has reassured taxpayers that the moat will be financed by funding that up until recently went towards providing clean drinking water in impoverished neighborhoods.

Tiffany comes at a crucial time for the White House, especially with the upcoming meeting with the presidents of Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands coming up. The shark will be fed by a rotating schedule of Miss Universe contestants and vegans. At press time Trump said that the white house was looking into laser beams for Tiffany made by Louis-Vuitton. In addition to this aesthetic choice, President Trump is hoping to install a plank over the moat to make for much more elaborate firings in the future.

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