By Constantine Markotsis
After recently conquering the island nation of the Fiji, Binghamton University, The Crown Jewel of the SUNY Empire, made a display of its power to other schools in search of prestige. Emperor Governor Andrew Cuomo II sent his praise to the valiant troops, and looks forward to the construction of his winter palace in Suva, a most pleasant alternative to the winter temperatures of the home nations indeed.
SA President Nicholas Ferrara announced that there will be a number of open positions in the provisional government. The full listing can be found in the minutes from the last SA Congress meeting, from which The BUTT has desperately been trying to unsubscribe.
Chief Magistrate Stenger met with the barristers of the SA and his Privy Council and have started searching for a new ruler for the islands. In a statement at press time, Viceroy Adam Wilkes stated that “The position of Shogun will be available to all those devoted to law and order, and establishing Binghamton’s might in the collegiate world!” Early speculation for the position is centering around Binghamton City Councilman Conrad Taylor. If Taylor accepted the position, he would become the youngest ruler of a nation in the world history.
The move by Binghamton was both alarming and appalling to other universities, who wish they had thought of this sooner. Cornell University has allegedly began preparing adequate forces to conquer an island nation of its own. However, the current Sultan of Cornell expressed that the invasion decision would be revealed at a gala dinner in Ithaca by throwing a dart onto a list of countries of which most people have never heard.
The University of Albany tried to establish a foothold on Trinidad and Tobago, but made the classic mistake of confusing “Weast” and “East” and ultimately launched a failed invasion of a Denny’s in Hoboken, New Jersey.