Science Win! This Bio Major Found the Perfect Equilibrium Between GPA and BAC!


By Tom Casey


Sandra’s graph, seen here, found the equilibrium between work and play.

The work-play balance just became a whole lot clearer. Overachieving biology student Sandra Lotus found Goldilocks’ perfect balance of classes and partying. “Obviously, average BAC and GPA are inversely correlated,” Sandra explained. “But I sought the sweet spot where good times and decent grades were maximized.”

Sandra settled on the specific point (average BAC: 0.19 and GPA: 2.15). Sandra has extensively tested the equilibrium, even peer reviewing it by “going out with housemates six times a week.”  

Economics students have quickly latched onto the proposal. “You see,” slurred economics major Bryan Lawrence between sips of whisky, “the line is definitely elastic within the relevant range. That means I can vastly increase my alcoholic fun without suffering undue GPA losses.” He then proceeded to regurgitate on this reporter’s shoes.

Sandra hopes to promote her research and validate the habits of students across the country. However, university experts have unequivocally condemned the research, stating the study “will definitely not get Sandra out of her final project.”



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