By Dan Kersten, with contributions from Tom Casey
After presidential hopeful Donald Trump won all five of the April 26 Republican primaries, Americans announced that they will begin the slow, painful process of accepting Trump as the possible President of the United States. The press release, signed by every American, stated, “It seems that, indeed, the Trump train will not be slowing anytime soon. We need to act proactively and start ourselves on a variety of medications to aid us in the slow process of accepting our fate.”
Market analysts are expecting massive gains in the pharmaceutical industry as a result. The BUTT reached out to PhRMA, the leading pharmaceutical lobbyist organization in Washington, D.C., for comment. “Trump’s White House bid has been great for our bottom line,” said PhRMA CEO Jeff Blair. “I mean, the only way that any rational American will be able to accept their future is to take a shit ton of pills.” Blair then popped several Xanax, entered the fetal position, and yelled, “Oh, sweet God what have we done to deserve this!”
Americans pledged to succumb quietly. They will offer no resistance and pray for mercy from the impending leader. Maybe he will reward us for our obedience, like preferential treatment in the “yuge” 5-Star gulag. At this moment, however, this reporter shall begin his prescribed regimen of antipsychotic medications and pray that Joe Biden enters the race soon.