By Dan Kersten
Pictured: President Obama just after locked himself out… again.
Last night, at approximately 2AM, President Barack Obama accidently locked himself out of the White House for the third time. In a press briefing today, President Obama stated, “I was working late and I walked outside to take a break. And then I realized that I totally forgot my ID card. I was just like… FUCK.”
Obama continued to explain that this lockout came at the worst possible time. At the time, he was working on a new economic plan to help struggling Midwestern farm owners. “I procrastinated and this thing had to be finished by tomorrow and I was totally stressing.” President Obama continued to explain that he spent much of his time playing Super Smash Brothers this week.
Barack Obama went to the assistant director of grounds, Harold Jarvis, in order to get let back in. When the Commander-in-Chief knocked on Jarvis’s door, he was told to come back in fifteen minutes. This was in accordance to the rules set forth by the Office of Presidential Life which stipulates that the any White House resident who is locked out not be let back in immediately as a lesson to not do it again.
In a statement Jarvis wrote, “Sure, this makes it harder for the head of the most powerful nation on the earth, but rules are rules.” Jarvis also explained that he mostly enforced the rule to get back at Obama for waking him up at 2:00 AM. Since this is the third time that Obama has locked himself out, he and Jarvis will be meeting with the chief director of grounds to talk about it.
When asked about his opinion on the subject, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, responded, “This wouldn’t happen if a Republican were in the White House. We never forget our IDs.” However, before McConnell could further comment, Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) yelled “SHIT, not again!” and punched his Washington, D.C., office door.
The BUTT 