SPECIAL THANKSGIVING REPORT: Student Home For Thanksgiving Break Shamed By Grandma For Not Having A Boyfriend

By Sarah Glose

Angry senior shaking fist

Carly Piccuili’s grandmother, Gladis Piccuili.

When Carly Piccuili, an undecided freshman, went home for Thanksgiving Break, she expected to spend quality time with friends and family. What awaited her, however, was a horror unrivaled by any other: her grandmother.

“I was prepared for the questions about my classes and my grades,” said Picculi in a statement released between Thanksgiving dinner courses today. “I even had a whole speech planned where I was going to lie about how much I like my Calc I and Writing 111 classes.”

However, Picculi’s plans were quickly foiled when her grandmother started asking her about the boys at Binghamton.

“We didn’t even make it through salad before she started in on Carly,” said Picculi’s brother. “I’m just glad it wasn’t me.”

Grandma Piccuili was quick to point out that “at Carly’s age, I was already married,” and that “I heard that nice orthodontist at church is still single.”

The most dramatic moment of the night occurred when Grandma Piccuili reminded Carly that she’s “not getting any younger” and advised her that she would “like to see some great grand kids before I die.”

After offering to set Carly up on dates with several eligible 35-year-old bachelors, turkey was served, and Grandma Picculi blessedly stopped talking.

According to Carly’s mother, dessert will be served in thirty minutes. We can only hope that, for Carly’s sake, her grandma’s pills kick in before they sit down for pie.

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